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5 Theories About Warren G’s Regulate

On the surface, Regulate is a prototypical rap song about guns, bitches and dice. But something far weirder and darker is going on. MOUNT UP to learn more

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.

(Reblogged from funnyordie)

Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory Academic Footnotes: Horror Show IV: Crazy Kid

The year 21501 was not a good one for the zombies. They were defeated2 by a kid named Jeff Ancho.3 Here is how it happened:

Jeff Ancho was mad about Burlap.4 Twenty of his relatives5 lived there. So one day he made a machine6 that turned zombies7 into ordinary people.8 He rode his dirt bike9 to Burlap.10 He found the leaders11 who started it all12 and shoved them13 into the Atlantic Ocean.14 The others he turned into people.15 Jeff was known and loved all over the world.16 He even turned Aliens17 into people.

1.  This story takes place in the distant future, which is weird, because “Horror Show III” takes place in the present day, or at least, in 1988. You remember Bush and Dukakis talking up the “zombie problem.” Willie Horton was a zombie.

2. Employing the Palahniuk Method: “Well, things sure did go to shit. Now we’re at the end, so let me tell you how we got into this craaaaaazy mess.”

3.  One day, Jeff Ancho will one day a woman named Mary Jane Chipotle, and together they will make gross sauces known and loved all over the world at Applebee’s.

4.  In “Horror Show III,” we learned that the great state of Burlap, after it was legally proclaimed “The Zombie State,” was kicked out of the United States.

5.  In “Horror Show III,” we also learned that zombies had completely taken over the world, meaning Jeff Ancho’s relatives—precisely 20 of them—were zombies. 2150 is awfully far into the future, so that’s some impressive genealogical research on the part of Jeff Ancho. To have that skill and those resources, Jeff Ancho is a Mormon. His ancestors are no longer zombies, because Jeff Ancho found out who they were and retroactively baptized them, allowed them to increase their ranks. (And thus, many decades later but retroactively, Jeff Ancho, great destroyer of zombies, was born.

6.  It’s just that easy! A machine that turns you away from being zombies—must be an opposite television, am I right, purveyors of lazy clichés and jokes?

7. The frequent but unnecessary use of the word “zombie” suggests this story might have originated as an exercise in learning to make a cursive “z.”

8. But still Mormons.

9. I really wanted a dirt bike at the time. But not the dirt bike you’re thinking of, the one that is actually called a dirt bike. No, I wanted a regular, non-motorized children’s bicycle fitted with all-terrain tires, which I thought was called a dirt bike, probably because my dad told me that’s what it was called, and he is a man who consistently calls things by either the wrong name, a made-up name, or a ridiculously outdated name. He calls pants “britches” and Asian people “Orientals,” for example.

10.  What with the Mormons, Burlap has to be Utah. Also, Burlap and Utah are the same color.

11.  Burlap is a very small state, and one with accessible, accountable leaders.

12.  They “started it all,” meaning the zombie apocalypse, more than 150 years prior, but they’re zombies, so they’re still around.

13.  The zombies are very easy to kill. It’s unfortunate someone waited that long to do it. Also, I don’t know how tides work.

14.  So then not Utah. A future, zombified version of colonial Rhode Island then.

15.  Jeff’s want and execution of bloodlust is justified but inconsistent. Why punish the leaders and not the others? Why hold them accountable more than the others, if all are in a zombified state of mind anyhow? Reader, I hope this sparks a lively debate in your household about free will versus predestination.

16.  By zombies though. The world is comprised of zombies, Jeff.

17.  The movie Aliens, apparently.

Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory Academic Footnotes #6: Horrible Changes

Horrible Changes1

by B.B. Adams2

Adam’s3 life was4 great. He was the best athlete,5 the smartest kid6 and had a million friends.7 Then soon this8 fades away. First he comes home from school and his dad is punching9 his mother. Soon a divorce.10 He is forced11 to live with his father that drinks 15 hours a day.12 Then his dad goes crazy and dies.13 Adam is an only child.14 Then he gets foster parents, they get a divorce.15 Adam is forced16 to stay homeless.17 Then he has another foster parent18 and Adam gets Multiple Scurouses.19 In two years he dies.20

THE END

Notes:

1. I like to lead off with a subtle title, but no joke, spoilers, you guys: the plot will progress and the character will end in a situation different from the one in which he started, and those changes will be horrible.

2. Childhood pen-name more appropriate for a middle-aged female mystery writer who has spiky hair, not a nine-year-old boy who writes outlines at a fever pitch and thinks they’re stories. And who also has spiky hair.

3. Obviously the protagonist represents the First Man, the Everyman, or it’s a subtle reference to the long history of Jewish persecution and suffering.

4. “Was.” Past tense. Here is some subtle foreshadowing as to the horrible changes to henceforth take place.

5. No details about his athletic prowess are given, because the most I knew about being an athlete then, and now, is how to correctly spell the word “athlete.”

6. Write what you know. I was a real shit.

7. Probably because he was both the best athlete and the smartest kid. They all want a piece of you, Adam. They all want a piece of you.

8. Tense change, because I’m an experimental author. Basically this is Cloud Atlas.

9. No warning signs. Just straight-up punching.

10. At least Adam’s mom doesn’t fuck around. She’s a good role model in this way.

11. Presumably by a court. A very, very terrible court by a very terrible judge who rules over Lifetime Movie Land with an incompetent but iron fist.

12. An oddly specific number, but one that shows the man is committed, taking a workaholic approach to being an alcoholic. This ethic and drive to succeed can be looked to as to why Adam became the best athlete, the smartest kid, and had a million friends, and why the father somehow got custody.

13. He worked himself to death. If only he had had work-life balance.

14. Mom seriously doesn’t fuck around.  She either died between the divorce proceedings and custody hearings, or faked her own death, or started a new life with a new family in the Pacific Northwest, and her name was my mom.

15. Lifetime Movie Land also does not have much of a screening process to make sure its foster family candidates have stable homes.

16. Probably by that judge.

17. All a million of those friends: completely fair-weather. They’re not really your friends, Adam.

18. He’s never mentioned again, but let’s just assume that I got bored writing this story and/or ran out of space and/or didn’t want to go to a second page. Had I not been lazy, this foster parent probably would have been a real piece of work. Placing him in the frame of the year of the composition, 1988, and my understanding of the darkness of the world clearly comprised entirely from very special episodes of Who’s the Boss? And Growing Pains, the new foster parent was probably named Tony, and he probably had both AIDS and a crack addiction, and a job as a shitty family law judge. 

19. I vaguely recall seeing a PSA about multiple sclerosis and being horrified as to the random and degenerative nature of that disease (or possibly ALS), so I exorcised that demon by giving “Multiple Scurouses” to Adam. He wasn’t getting out of this with a happy ending, an easy one, or even a single Scurouse.

20. I may have been a predictable author, but I was brutally unforgiving.

Porn Versions of ’70s TV Shows

Porkin’ Mindy

Three’s Cumpany

Mary, Tyler, More

Rode-huh

Not One Guy at a Time

Barnaby Jones Has Sexual Intercourse

Smashed: A Theme Bar in Which the Theme is Alcoholism

alcoholicDécor: A ‘70s suburban basement in deep disrepair, with moldy, yellow shag carpeting, a TV broadcasting snow, and floors and shelves littered with broken bottles, broken picture frames, broken childhood sports trophies. The centerpiece: a tipped over, brown and brittle Christmas tree covered in broken decorations.

Music: A jukebox that plays only Hank Williams, Conway Twitty, and “Butterfly Kisses” on a perpetual loop.

Bartender: Alternately super-attentive and kind, then inexplicably hostile and violent.

Specialty cocktails: House-made Mad Dog 20/20 and isopropyl rubbing alcohol. Over 40 and 70 different varieties of vanilla and turpentine, respectively, are available.

Friday night event: The 12 Steps ($12), in which patrons progressively move around 12 stations and at each, consume a shot.

Currency: Food stamps, war medals, and sobriety chips are accepted in lieu of cash.