March 2013
1 post
Lord Byron Poem, or Of Montreal Song Title?
a) ”Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage”
b) ”Coquelicot’s Tea Party”
c) ”Our Spring is Sweet Not Fleeting”
d) ”Inscription on the Monument of a Newfoundland Dog”
e) ”And Thou Art Dead, as Young and Fair”
f) ”Peacock Parasols”
g) ”Oh! Snatched Away in Beauty’s Bloom!”
h) ”By the Rivers of...
February 2013
2 posts
This Season’s Most Popular TV Shows for Dogs
Amazing Reunions. In this heart-warmer for the whole family, dogs who thought they were abandoned are emotionally reunited with the masters they thought they’d never see again when they went out to get the mail and were gone for two minutes.
Can I Eat This? A game show in which a dog is blindfolded, and then an object is placed in front of them. The dog has to decide whether or not the unseen...
9 tags
Billy Idol Song Titles All Sound Like Diner Slang...
Cradle of Love: Toast with a hole cut out and a fried egg poking out the hole
White Wedding: White toast and egg whites covered in country gravy
Flesh for Fantasy: Ham, sausage, bacon, no bread.
Eyes Without a Face: A large bowl of pig eyeballs, well-done.
January 2013
2 posts
Yelp Reviews of Local Children
Jayden [1 star] I arrange a lot of playdates for my daughter, Bella, and I know what makes a good playdate, so take it from me, a playdate expert: Jayden is a miserable, insufferable, little ****. He refuses to take turns, and will play only what he wants to play (invariable Legos). At one point, Bella wouldn’t let him have an airplane he wanted, so he grabbed it from her, then broke up, then...
December 2012
1 post
November 2012
4 posts
8 tags
The 10 Most Passive-Aggressive Bobby Brown Lyrics
1. “Well I guess we’re gonna have to take control.”
-On Our Own
2. “Stay with me. But if you want to leave, take your things.”
-Two Can Play That Game
3. ”Can I call you, would that be alright? Maybe Friday or Saturday night?”
-Girlfriend
4. “Don’t be cruel. ‘Cause I would never be that cruel to you.”
-Don’t Be Cruel
...
18 tags
Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory...
The year 21501 was not a good one for the zombies. They were defeated2 by a kid named Jeff Ancho.3 Here is how it happened:
Jeff Ancho was mad about Burlap.4 Twenty of his relatives5 lived there. So one day he made a machine6 that turned zombies7 into ordinary people.8 He rode his dirt bike9 to Burlap.10 He found the leaders11 who started it all12 and shoved them13 into the Atlantic Ocean.14 The...
October 2012
2 posts
16 tags
Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory...
Horrible Changes1
by B.B. Adams2
Adam’s3 life was4 great. He was the best athlete,5 the smartest kid6 and had a million friends.7 Then soon this8 fades away. First he comes home from school and his dad is punching9 his mother. Soon a divorce.10 He is forced11 to live with his father that drinks 15 hours a day.12 Then his dad goes crazy and dies.13 Adam is an only child.14 Then he gets...
Porn Versions of '70s TV Shows
Porkin’ Mindy
Three’s Cumpany
Mary, Tyler, More
Rode-huh
Not One Guy at a Time
Barnaby Jones Has Sexual Intercourse
September 2012
7 posts
Smashed: A Theme Bar in Which the Theme is...
Décor: A ‘70s suburban basement in deep disrepair, with moldy, yellow shag carpeting, a TV broadcasting snow, and floors and shelves littered with broken bottles, broken picture frames, broken childhood sports trophies. The centerpiece: a tipped over, brown and brittle Christmas tree covered in broken decorations.
Music: A jukebox that plays only Hank Williams, Conway Twitty, and “Butterfly...
Mitt Romney's Cabinet
Secretary of State: Trip Hayward
Secretary of the Treasury: Van Treadwell
Secretary of Defense: Win Thorndike
Attorney General: Chip Goulding
Secretary of the Interior: Bif Wadsworth
Secretary of Agriculture: Kip Tillinghast
Secretary of Commerce: Prescott Phipps
Secretary of Labor: Pip Osgood
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Kiki Preston
Secretary of Transportation: Skip Gorham
Secretary...
11 tags
From Lizard King to Ledger King: Catching Up With...
In the 1960s, it was all about Volkswagen Beetles and granola. In the go-go ‘80s, it’s all about BMWs and sushi. Yesterday’s hippies are today’s “Yuppies,” or the fast-living, high-earning financial professionals who populate the nicer parts of New York City. So long Woodstock, hello high-yield bonds.
Nobody embodies this definitive cultural shift of the Baby Boomer generation quite like former...
3 tags
11 tags
Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory...
Full title: Horror Show III: Blood Lovers Anonymous 1 2 3
When Burlap4 was named5 the Zombie State, it was kicked out6 of the country. The senates7 and the governor of Burlap, Beeshu Happerman8 went to kill the president of the USA.9 The White House was a bloody mess. They went and killed many governments.10 They came up from the dead and chopped their own heads off 11 and put them where...
15 tags
Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory...
Everyone has seen the terror.1 Everyone thought it was a clever ad campaign. No one realized the rage it would produce one day.2 You’ve seen the ads.3 4 Little Lucky the Leprechaun always being chased and harrangued by a gang of sugar-craving, marshmallow-addicted 7-year-old psychotics.5 6 And what do they want from a 1-foot-tall Irishman?7 His only possession,8 a pitiful box of cereal with a...
August 2012
12 posts
8 tags
Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory...
“By B.B. Adams”1
“It was nothing!”2 exclaimed Todd.3 Todd had traveled to the Grand Canyon4 and discovered a one of a kind stone.5 It was gold, ruby, and silver in one.6 It was found at the bottom of the Colorado River.7 8 The gem9 was put in a glass case10 at an unknown museum.11
Trouble!12 An escaped convict breaks out of jail13 and steals the gem!14
The police search over the country15 but he...
9 tags
Monster High is Closing
Dear students, parents, faculty members, and boosters:
For more than 200 years, Monster High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation,...
6 tags
A Proposal For a Folgers K-Cups Commercial
FADE IN: A cab drops off a college-age man, PETER, in front of a well-appointed suburban home, very early in the morning.
MUSIC: “The Best Part of Waking Up” jingle begins to play.
Familiar “the best part of waking up music plays”
PETER quietly slips into his family home. He heads into the spotless kitchen, and finds in the pantry a large, red can of delicious FOLGERS...
11 tags
Things Obama Is Gonna Do, By Your Parents
• Obama is gonna make your grandma pay for her health care. He’s gonna make her pay for everybody’s health care, and she can’t afford that. She’s on a fixed income.
• Obama is gonna fire Pat Sajak, because he’s a Republican, and replace him with that Tom Robbins actor guy, and all the puzzles on Wheel are gonna be socialism.
• Obama is gonna make it so when you say...
20 tags
Most Memorable Video Music Awards Moments
MTV’s 2012 Video Music Awards are just a few days away. Sure, it’s nice to see who wins “Video of the Year” or “Best New Artist in a Video,” but the Video Music Awards are all about the moments—anything can happen…and it does!
1982: MTV wins the award for Best Music Video Network.
1984: The Cars win Video of the Year for “You Might Think.” To the delight of the audience, Cars singer Ric Ocasek...
8 tags
Theories As to What the “Nasty Food” the Nasty...
1. As they are really, truly, unequivocally nasty boys, I’ve held in my mind since 1986 the image that the nasty food is literally garbage. Those nasty boys are so nasty they just literally pick up food out of garbage cans on the street, or at the drive-in, which is where the music video takes place. This would mean they do things like scrape relish bits and uneaten hot dog chunks out of foil hot...
3 tags
When You Arrange the Titles of Linkin Park Songs,...
“Pushing Me Away”
“One Step Closer”
“Lying from You”
“Hit the Floor”
“In Between”
“New Divide”
“In the End”
“Empty Spaces”
“From the Inside”
“Skin to Bone”
“Until it Breaks”
“Faint”
“Numb”
“Crawling”
“Waiting for the End”
“Bleed It Out”
“Blackout”
“What I’ve Done”
“Powerless”
“Cure for the Itch”
“Breaking the Habit”
“Roads Untraveled”
“Somewhere I Belong”
8 tags
Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory...
“What is the square route of 300?1 Mike!,” asked Mrs. Knucklecracker.2
“.3.9.8!,”3 exclaimed Matt.4
“Incorrect!,”5 bellowed his teacher.6
Just then the bell rang. Matt rushed out of his classroom.7
When he was on the street8, all of a sudden9 he fell in a manhole!10 Down he went but suddenly he came to a stop.11 There were people all around about two feet...
8 tags
Sammy Hagar’s “There's Only One Way to Rock" and...
In his 1981 song “There’s Only One Way to Rock,” Sammy Hagar outlines the very specific criteria in making rocking possible. Mr. Hagar never explicitly defines or describes this singularly hypothesized way of rock, merely the proper time to rock, via the lyric “8:05, time to rock.” This is a surprisingly early, yet extremely specific time for rocking, which warrants a full audit of Mr. Hagar’s...
12 tags
Things I Wrote As a Child With Explanatory...
It was just another rainy day in Montreal. Matt1 was watching the hockey playoffs.2 But the game was getting boring so he turned the T.V. off.3
He went to get his bike4 and went to the new mall. When he got there he stepped in the elevator to get to the science store.5 He and the other passengers disappeared6 to Old Quebec.7
Food was getting very scarce.8 Other people like him9 were appearing from...
7 tags
Better Names For the Brooklyn Nets
• Brooklyn Artisan Cupcakes
• Brooklyn Dunhams
• Brooklyn Ironos
• Brooklyn Staches
• Brooklyn What? No, I’m Not From New Jerseyes.
• Brooklyn Trustees
• This Really Chill Basketball Team From Brooklyn…You Know What? They’re Really Obscure. You Probably Haven’t Heard of Thems
• Brooklyn “Nets”
13 tags
Leaked Memo From Romney Campaign Weighing Running...
Emperor Zod
Pro: Authoritative; commands, even demands respect and umbrage
Con: Has spent the last few earth-decades in the Phantom Zone, and so could be seen as “out of touch”
A Creepy Guy Giggling in the Background
Pro: Represents the ideals of the Republican party
Con: While the laughter is pleasingly unsettling, polling indicates that voters feel excessive laughter is “too Canadian”
Silas...
July 2012
8 posts
12 tags
Grin and Bear It: Growing Up Berenstain, the...
It was always something with Mama.
“This family eats too much junk food!”
“This family watches too much TV!”
“This family doesn’t pick up after themselves!
No matter the fleeting problem of the hour, motherly guilt and shame would set in and Mama would lay waste, armed with a trash bag and a grand, smug, purpose, making some grand pronouncement about how our lives needed to change and immediately....
9 tags
England's Demonstration Sports for the 2012...
Every Olympics features “demonstration” events, exhibition or non-medaling sports meant to show off some of the host country’s little-known pasttimes, as a way to introduce them to the rest of the world. Here is what England will demonstrate during the 2012 games.
• High Tea Service
• The Gallifreyan Biathlon (regeneration and TARDIS racing)
• Withering Stares
• Soccer...
17 tags
Official X-Men Superpowers
Wolverine: getting every Little League and children’s soccer team to name themselves after him
Jubilee: hypnotizing the world’s most powerful business and political leaders into forgiving third-world debt
Beast: is blue, whereas others are not blue
Storm: Type 4 Diabetes
Rogue: her name was actually supposed to be “Rouge,” but her X-men mutant power is being a shitty speller
Gambit: is, like,...
13 tags
Abandoned Fast Food Mascots
• Colonel Kentucky F. Chickenfingersfingers, the Southern Gentleman Who Has Chicken Fingers for Fingers (Kentucky Fried Chicken)
• Long Dong Silver (Long John Silver’s)
• Gary, the Heterosexual Man Who Successfully Defeated His Homosexual Urges and Lifestyle With Heterosexual Conversion And Who Is Now a Delighted Chick-Fil-A Customer (Chick-Fil-A)
• Wendy the Promiscuous Private School Girl...
20 tags
The Frank Ocean Effect: Other Shocking R&B and Rap...
• Brandy and Monica are the same person.
• Big Pun is alive; Fat Joe is the one that died.
• Ol’ Dirty Bastard was young, had a clean bill of health, and had parents who were married at the time of not only his birth, but also his conception.
• Of the members of Destiny’s Child, Beyonce became a superstar, and Kelly Rowland has had some chart success. What happened to third member,...
10 tags
Pickup Lines, If You Are a Settler of Catan
• I will trade three ore and one wool in return for one night with you.
• Damn girl, you keep rolling 8s, but you’re totally a 10.
• Let’s turn this settlement into a city, if you know what I’m sayin’.
• Have you got grain? Because I’ve got wood.
• Let’s get hexagonal.
• Girl, are you the bandit? Because you stole my heart. And also all of my brick.
• Run...
17 tags
Fun Facts About Your Favorite Songs That Will Ruin...
• ‘80 pop classic and persistent meme “Never Gonna Give You Up” was recorded by Rick Astley, but it was written by folk icon Joni Mitchell, who envisioned the song not as an upbeat teen-pop number, but as a slow, mournful ballad about a 15-year-old giving up her baby for adoption.
• The boy that inspired Carly Rae Jepsen’s summer jam “Call Me Maybe” was a guy...
7 tags
O Delaware, The State Song of Delaware
(By Mrs. Mary Johnson O’Reilley, 1849)
Dude, we live in Delaware Whose idea was that? We shouldn’t listen to Kevin He always screws things up Like that time we wanted to go see Loverboy But Kevin got the day wrong So we stayed home And watched Melrose Place You see what I mean? Kevin always fucks things up
So now we’re stuck in Delaware And you just know Maryland is probably...
June 2012
5 posts
5 tags
My Packing List for My Trip to the National Waffle...
Syrup.
13 tags
Unfinished Air Bud Movies
Between 1997 and 2003, independent filmmakers produced a string of documentaries about Air Bud, a golden retriever that beats the odds and logic to play at the professional or elite levels in five sports, such as basketball (Air Bud), football (Air Bud: Golden Receiver), soccer (Air Bud: World Pup), baseball (Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch), and volleyball (Air Bud Spikes Back). Air Bud retired and...
5 tags
Why It Would Be Devastating If “It’s Raining Men”...
1) First of all, what the hell is happening? Why, exactly, is it raining men? Was there a plane crash? A high-rise collapse? An explosion in the males-only part of Heaven? At best we have a terrible, tragic, deadly disaster; at worst, Heaven blew up.
2) The Weather Girls show a complete disregard for the safety of their audience. As members of the news-media (the Weather Girls are weather...
14 tags
Porn Star, or Canadian Idol Contestant?
1. Jaydee Bixby
2. Kalan Porter
3. Eva Avila
4. Liz Titan
5. Jerrica Santos
6. Alinka Chambers
7. Scarlett Burke
8. Justyn Wesley
9. Matt Rapley
10. Mila Miller
11. Katelyn Dawn
Answers: 1. Canadian Idol. 2. Canadian Idol. 3. Canadian Idol. 4. Canadian Idol. 5. Canadian Idol. 6. Canadian Idol. 7. Canadian Idol. 8. Canadian Idol. 9. Canadian Idol. 10. Canadian Idol. 11. Canadian Idol.
7 tags
5 Things My Best Friend From 6th Grade Was...
1. The Simpsons Sing the Blues would not be a better album would “Sibling Rivalry” have been left off of it. I think that album is just as good, or what have you, either way.
2. The New Kids on the Block’s minor hit “Tonight” was not a cover of a Beatles song.
3. “Homelesssexuals” are not a thing. Some homeless people are, I’m fairly certain,...
April 2012
1 post
7 tags
Three Things Invented By My Talkative Child During...
Rocamole. A portmanteau of the words “robot” and “guacamole,” this device is a robot that “brings you guacamole whenever you want it! You just tell it to, and it does it. It also has a nachos setting,” meaning that the Rocamole also will bring you nachos, not just guacamole. Interestingly, my child does not particularly care for guacamole.
The iPad 3000....
August 2011
1 post
Baked Goods Fad Master-planning Chart, 2003-2024
• Artisan doughnuts (2003-2005)
• Massive cakes (2005-2008)
• Whimsical cupcakes (2008-2011)
• Supportive danishes (2011-2012)
• Content muffins (2012-2015)
• Jealous blintzes (2015-2016)
• Snippy tarts (2016)
• Smug croissants (2016-2018)
• Conniving turnovers (2018-2020)
• Passive-aggressive pies (2020-2021)
• Brazenly social climbing éclairs (2021-2024)
• Openly hostile...
June 2011
1 post
4 tags
Excerpts from "Quotations from Chairman Mao-Bot"
A young robot went to a wise old robot and asked, “Wise old robot, is it better to be a robot or a human?” And the wise old robot man replied, “What’s a human?” To which the young man then said, “Seriously? You’ve never heard of humans? Aren’t you supposed to be a wise man?” The wise man then said, “First of all, I don’t appreciate your tone. Second of all, I am a simple robot who has lived among...
March 2011
1 post
5 tags
Lady and the Darkman, A TV Show Idea My...
“There are two ladies. One of them is good and one of them is bad. One of them goes around pooping on everybody, and one of them poops in everybody’s hair. That’s the bad one.
“Also, there’s a dinosaur, and he gets kidnapped by aliens. They have to get rescued by the ladies. The aliens are bad, and they work for the Darkman.
“It’s on at 11.”
June 2010
1 post
4 tags
Leather Bars in Arlow, West Virginia (pop.: 988)
Arlow Leather Bar
Leather Bar
Leathers
Chaps
The Hideaway
Fred’s
[Unmarked building]
