Brian Boone amuses you, potentially

a) ”Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage”

b) ”Coquelicot’s Tea Party”

c) ”Our Spring is Sweet Not Fleeting”

d) ”Inscription on the Monument of a Newfoundland Dog”

e) ”And Thou Art Dead, as Young and Fair”

f) ”Peacock Parasols”

g) ”Oh! Snatched Away in Beauty’s Bloom!”

h) ”By the Rivers of Babylon We Sat Down and Wept”

i) ”The Great Battle of the Unfriendly Ridiculous”

j) ”Raptures Rapes the Muses”

k) ”Farewell! If Ever Fondest Prayer”

l) ”I Was in a Landscape in Your Dream”

m) ”The Harp the Monarch Minstrel Swept”

n) ”Let’s Do Everything for the First Time Forever”

Amazing Reunions. In this heart-warmer for the whole family, dogs who thought they were abandoned are emotionally reunited with the masters they thought they’d never see again when they went out to get the mail and were gone for two minutes.

Can I Eat This? A game show in which a dog is blindfolded, and then an object is placed in front of them. The dog has to decide whether or not the unseen object is something they can or cannot eat but then they go ahead and eat it anyway.

Who’s a Good Boy? Amateur dogs compete to see “who’s a good boy,” by coming out onto the stage, sitting, fetching, and not eating a big pile of cat poop or jumping up on the soft, soft couch. A panel of judges offer their criticism, but it’s ultimately up to call-in viewers to determine…Who’s a Good Boy?

Bark Tank. Three large professional dogs bark at a smaller dog and the small dog looks scared.

Breaking Baaaaaaaad. Breaking Bad with a cast of dogs. Walter White is played by a hairless Chihuahua, who after another each of Walter White’s many soul-crushing moral dilemmas, pees on himself, shakes uncontrollably, and hides under the bed.

Sniff n’ Butz. Detective Barry “Sniff” Retriever is an uptight by-the-book member of New York City’s elite K-9 police force. His new partner: Detective Doberman Butzman, who doesn’t play by the rules. They may have different ways of doing things, but when it comes to fighting crime, these two dogs are Sniff n’ Butz.

Humping. Friends was an American TV show about twentysomethings humping and talking about it. Coupling was a British remake of Friends about twentysomethings humping and talk about it. Then NBC remade Coupling for American TV. Now, with Humping, DNBC (Dogs NBC) has remade the American version of Coupling with a cast of dogs.

The Big Bone Theory. A sitcom in which the dialogue is comprised entirely of dog puns. Critic Rex Reed calls it “rough.”

The Catalist. Using only his powers of deduction, an eccentric sheepdog helps police determine who is a cat.

Doggy Fizzle Televizzle.Ten years ago, MTV briefly ran a sketch comedy series starring Snoop Doggy Dogg. This year, the show’s audio was redubbed to turn the existing footage into a show about a superhero dog that transforms himself into a human man to infiltrate and take down human society by introducing it to slang and weed.

Real Housetrained Bitches of Dog City. The wives and relatives of prominent, wealthy dogs (Lassie’s wife, Rin Tin Tin’s granddaughter, three wiener dogs knocked up by Uggie from The Artist) visit one another’s fabulous dog houses to drink out of the toilet and bark at each other.

Dog Parks and Recreation. Dogs visit dog parks and pee there.

Cradle of Love: Toast with a hole cut out and a fried egg poking out the hole

White Wedding: White toast and egg whites covered in country gravy

Flesh for Fantasy: Ham, sausage, bacon, no bread.

Eyes Without a Face: A large bowl of pig eyeballs, well-done.

Jayden
[1 star]

I arrange a lot of playdates for my daughter, Bella, and I know what makes a good playdate, so take it from me, a playdate expert: Jayden is a miserable, insufferable, little ****. He refuses to take turns, and will play only what he wants to play (invariable Legos). At one point, Bella wouldn’t let him have an airplane he wanted, so he grabbed it from her, then broke up, then cried, screeching that “Bella broke his flyer.” Hands down, the worst seven-year-old in the tri-state area.

Braden
[1 star]

Probably the ugliest child I’ve ever seen, which would be okay if the kid could carry on a conversation, instead of sitting there catatonic staring at something called “Bakugon” and occasionally shouting out “Bakugon” and shrieking in agony when I tried to turn off “Bakugon.”

Ella
[2 stars]

Ella’s mother was very nice and warmly greeted us, but then she disappeared to God knows where. Soon, I learn that Ella is allergic to eggs, dairy, gluten, rice, gluten substitutes, gelatin, tree nuts, avocados, and non-tree nuts. He had a glass of water, and then he peed his pants.

Kaden
[3 stars]

Kaden is one of those trendy thematic children, in that every little detail adheres to an appreciation and celebration of Spider-Man. In this regard, Kaden did not disappoint: he wore a Spider-Man shirt, Spider-Man pants, Spider-Man shoes, and shouted “AHM THPIDUH-MAMM!” before, during, and after his many jumps between the couch and end table. He said the Spider-Man macaroni and cheese was “dewishus” and then he fell asleep watching a Spider-Man video on Netflix. Kudos to your commitment, Kaden.

Bella
[2 stars]

We were coming into town and booked a playdate for our Olivia based on the recommendation of a trusted friend. Plus, we had a 2-for-1 Groupon, which they said over the phone would be fine, and Oliviaa was very excited to get to play with twins. But when we got there, the lady said that the Groupon was no longer valid. But since we’d driven all that way, we decided to stay anyway. Unfortunately, I don’t think those girls were really twins. “Bella” kept leaving the room to get her sister “Ella.” “Ella” did look exactly like “Bella,” only she wore a pink hat and carried around a unicorn My Little Pony, as opposed to “Bella”’s regular pony My Little Pony. Then “Ella” would go find “Bella,” etc., ad nauseam. They never were in the same room at the same time. One girl or two, though, they were pleasant, if a little pedestrian at best, lackluster at worst.